Real Men Replaced By Metrosexuals

Here rests the soul of the masculine Aussie male. Known for his ruggedly handsome looks, body toned from honest toil at work, quick wit and ability to swing an axe and wield a drill, he passed away peacefully after a long battle with laziness, incompetence and metrosexuals.

He will be remembered fondly for wearing work boots because he needed them, not for fashion, ordering only steak or chicken parmas from a menu and owning a 4WD he knew how to operate in 4WD mode. His work ethic and “can do” attitude saved us thousands of dollars over the years as he turned his hand to odd jobs around the house, fixing the car, landscaping and occasionally furniture making.

His generosity didn’t end there, supporting local hospitality groups and Australian manufacturing with his love of a locally brewed beer.

In his declining years, he was often seen at Bunnings on weekends and public holidays, not for the sausages but to buy tools he actually knew how to use.

It is a relief to all who knew him that he passed away doing what he loved, expertly backing a trailer while helping a friend move house. He will be missed by generations of women who, despite bleating about being feminists who can do it all, would love nothing more than a man who can dash in and replace that broken door handle or leaking tap.

His death was announced on radio and in print with news of a survey that suggests men spend about $2000 a year on grooming, including manicures. And he was remembered fondly during a 90-minute, two-part TV special where 18 men paraded in front of an entertaining but questionably famous woman who had a deeper voice than most of them.

Those men came with their man buns, tears, fake occupations and coloured suit jackets without socks to announce their takeover of the male landscape. It seemed they had used their hands so little that they’ve lost the fine motor skills required to do up all their shirt buttons, let alone take to their faces with a razor. One wore thermal underwear.

The masculine man is survived by the bearded hipster, the gym junkie, the self-promoter and the dude who acts like a lady.

In lieu of flowers we ask that donations be made to the single women of Australia.